Just keep walking, no matter what.

So I have long held to the theory that if you look like you know where you're going, no one will stop you to ask if you actually belong there. This trick has worked for me in the past, getting backstage at concerts and to locker rooms at sporting events. Today I found a new application for this trick. BTW, I am a bad person and karma is going to kick my ass.

MM's mom has been in the hospital in a nearby city. I have been going back and forth between where we live and this city to visit, help him, cook dinner for he and his sister, etc. Last night she took an unexpected turn and he stayed the night in the hospital. His sister and I went back to the house at roughly 2 am. I got up at 6, fed the dogs, etc. MM's dog is a big black lab who needs excercise to prevent him from being too hyper while locked in the house. So I set off on a walk with the dog at 6:30 am. I do not take baggies with me as I thought the business was done. The dog and I round the corner and are about halfway down the block where a woman is washing her car in the driveway. Who washes their car at 6:30 am? Anyway, as luck would have it, the dog decides he is having gastroinstestinal issues. He walks straight up this woman's driveway and proceeds to poo all over her concrete. I am mortified. I have no idea what to do. I have no baggies, the dog isn't on a leash (against the law), and he has just taken a dump on her driveway. In my mind, I run through a few possible scenarios but quickly decide that feigning ignorance is the best option.
In my pjs and flipflops with cigarette hanging out of my mouth, I just keep walking, pretend like the dog doesn't belong with me and that I am just out for a morning stroll. I pretend that I haven't witnessed this and that it isn't any concern of mine anyway. I just kept walking. I'm pretty sure that is one of the worst things I have ever done.

Funny Statements, Confessions and other randomness

Coworker bursts into my office: "I swear no one listens. I've been dating this girl for 6 months and we got into a huge fight last night. Huge. She was a total irate bitch. And then you know what she does today, do you? She sends me COOKIES. COOKIES!?! I don't eat that shit. You know I don't eat that kinda crap. Has she not be listening to me the entire time?"

ME to the 6 people I am in the middle of a conference call with: "Anybody got any advice for him? I keep telling him to dump her but now she's sent cookies. Maybe she's a keeper after all?"

Coworker: some sort of strangled goose noise. "Sorry" and leaves my office.

Yay speakerphones!

So I am fairly certain I have a defect somewhere. I had a crappy day and called (I need to come up with a moniker for this person) who'd also had a crappy day. He came over and in general was the perfect person. He got me to laugh, soaped, coddled and cuddled me. It was great. Loved every second. He even suffered through me watching KU lose to Texas Tech (which is a touchy subject w/ me). In all, he was the best sport ever. So bedtime, and this is where the defect comes in. Ladies, are you ever flabbergasted at the speed in which the male species can fall asleep? It never ceases to amaze me! So rather than be content that I am still being cuddled and that I'm warm and fuzzy, guess what I do? Do I smile at his ability to drop off in three seconds? Am I infinitely understanding because he has just spent the evening being so sweet to me? Am I a beautiful goddess who sighs and drapes her silk clad body over his? (Pphht, I can't even say that w/ a straight face).

No, of course I don't do any of those things. Instead, right as he is starting to sleep deeply (i.e. snore), I poke him in the ribs to wake him up. And when he wakes up I pretend I'm asleep. And I don't do this once, not twice, but three times. It provided great entertainment for me but I think some crappy sleep for him.

Lisa recently asked me for more words to use for poop. Normally I can't say that anything would come to mind but I heard one on the radio the other day that I thought was funny. Especially since I missed the first part of the story. So, apparently Tootsie Roll is an euphemism for poop. I didn't know. But there ya have it Lisa. Tootsie roll. Now I'm not sure I would use this one w/ little ones because I can see this being a cause for some rather disturbing misunderstandings. However, I will keep a lookout for other terms for you while I traipse along.