Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Just keep walking, no matter what.

So I have long held to the theory that if you look like you know where you're going, no one will stop you to ask if you actually belong there. This trick has worked for me in the past, getting backstage at concerts and to locker rooms at sporting events. Today I found a new application for this trick. BTW, I am a bad person and karma is going to kick my ass.

MM's mom has been in the hospital in a nearby city. I have been going back and forth between where we live and this city to visit, help him, cook dinner for he and his sister, etc. Last night she took an unexpected turn and he stayed the night in the hospital. His sister and I went back to the house at roughly 2 am. I got up at 6, fed the dogs, etc. MM's dog is a big black lab who needs excercise to prevent him from being too hyper while locked in the house. So I set off on a walk with the dog at 6:30 am. I do not take baggies with me as I thought the business was done. The dog and I round the corner and are about halfway down the block where a woman is washing her car in the driveway. Who washes their car at 6:30 am? Anyway, as luck would have it, the dog decides he is having gastroinstestinal issues. He walks straight up this woman's driveway and proceeds to poo all over her concrete. I am mortified. I have no idea what to do. I have no baggies, the dog isn't on a leash (against the law), and he has just taken a dump on her driveway. In my mind, I run through a few possible scenarios but quickly decide that feigning ignorance is the best option.
In my pjs and flipflops with cigarette hanging out of my mouth, I just keep walking, pretend like the dog doesn't belong with me and that I am just out for a morning stroll. I pretend that I haven't witnessed this and that it isn't any concern of mine anyway. I just kept walking. I'm pretty sure that is one of the worst things I have ever done.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Am I the only person who took Civ Pro?

Okay, I am totally going on a law geek rant. For those of you not interested, well you know.

Civil Procedure folks. Remember it? It generally is split into two courses cleverly named Civ Pro I and *gasp* Civ Pro II. There are even these handy dandy things called the Rules of Civil Procedure. This is not that hard. If you are a practicing attorney, you passed the effin bar exam. Civ Pro was on it, I guarantee.

Now the reason I am ranting about this you ask? Because some dumbass law firm apparently doesn't know its ass from a hole in the ground. They can't figure out the correct procedure for service of process. Now, I have to screw about with a 12(b) motion, they will ask the judge to grant them leave to correct service, the judge will grant it, theoretically they will do it right a second time and everyone's time will be wasted.
Note: If you are suing a person in their individual capacity rather than as an agent of a corporation, you must serve the person. Dropping a summons off at an office where that person does not work and has never worked....not service.
My rant for today....please do your jobs right the first time. I am too busy for this shit.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

My shoes aren't pointy enough today

So, my friends and I have some funny statements we like to use. One of my favorites is used when frustrated or angry.

He makes me so angry I just want to kick him in the shins. Now, if any of you have ever been kicked in the shin, you know it hurts. As situations warranted we came up with other variations but the final version I believe is priceless.

I want to kick him in the shins, with the pointy shoes. You all know the shoes I am talking about. They come to a definitive point about 2 inches past the end of the toe and are hard! As you can imagine, this would cause pain when it comes into contact with someone's shin and gives me the delightful release of kicking the person who is currently the cause of my latest headache.

You may be wondering why I'm telling you about this saying between me and my girlfriends this morning. The reason is this: I was in a meeting this morning with some colleagues and one dumbass hasn't been doing his job. Well instead the man being punished, I get 'rewarded'. In other words, I get 5 of his projects on top of the rest of the shit I do. This seems more like punishment than a reward but whatever.

While sitting in this meeting and looking at the lazy ass, the thought crossed my mind that I wanted to kick him in the shins but it would have to wait till tomorrow because I am not wearing sufficiently pointy shoes today. So I left the meeting, opened Outlook calendar and created an appointment for tomorrow. The appointment says, "Wear pointy brown sling backs, comfortable pants, and kick Dumbass in the shins. Box to pack stuff in after being fired optional."

PPS: I know my feet look fat but I couldn't figure out how to take a picture of my own feet from a flattering angle. Thanks for mentioning it though.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Bar Exam will not kill you

The following is in no way meant to condone alcoholism.

Recently someone asked me about how I prepared for the bar and the following is how I responded. I will flesh out the response below.

My strategy for studying: a) look at BarBri schedule...turn the paper over b/c surely I am looking at that upside down..that can't be right?!....b) realize how ridiculously heavy those books are and dump them in my trunk...c) Attend BarBri lectures and fill in outlines (hey I paid for it after all)....d) leave lecture and travel directly to the study room..aka Oscar's Pub, drink heavily in an attempt to kill any brain cells that weren't smart enough to retain the lecture. e) Go home and sleep till noon....f) Watch an hour of mindless tv....g)shower eat etc....h) read outline for next lecture....i) Go to BarBri lecture.

Now that seemed to work for me. Keep in mind however the week before the bar, I lugged the books out of my trunk and spent a week on my study buddy's couch while his girlfriend fed us food and booze and we studied everything that we should have been doing all summer. But I passed (and so did he) on the first try.

Now, to add some more advice: Stop freaking out! Just stop. That asshole who keeps telling you he has been following the study schedule step by step and completing all the practice question--anal retentive asshole. That's all I'm saying. It does not, I repeat DOES NOT mean he is going to pass. He just doesn't have a life.

Find an outlet, a movie, golf, bottle of vodka, whatever. Don't make yourself feel guilty for doing it.



Ummm did I mention shower? (personal hygiene should not be put on hold while studying).

Make sure you read the instructions about what you can and can't wear/bring to the bar exam. (No hoodies for example when I took it. No Rolaids or tums either)

Do NOT stay up the night before cramming...or if that is your style do but remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint.

Remember that the armed men at the door checking your ID and ticket will not shoot you if you fail. (Do other jurisdictions do this? When I took it the state branch of the FBI manned all the entrances complete with shoulder holsters?) My friend's reaction upon seeing this: Ohmygod, I really am gonna die if I don't pass. They have people waiting to shoot me at the door.

Don't stress about neglecting people or things right now. They have plenty of time to remind you and make you feel guilty afterwards.

After the bar exam, you and a few of your friends (but not the friends who want to rehash every single question, better yet, a bunch of strangers from the corner who will sit in silence) go to a bar and proceed to get smashed. If anyone mentions the Bar Exam dump your drink on them or throw things at them. It acts as a deterrent to the next person and provides greatly needed comic relief.

Oh yeah, if you failed to take my advice about showering while studying, remember SHOWER before the exam. Everyone else around will appreciate it.

In closing, calm down and have a drink!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Absolutely nothing funny to say

So, I have run out of things to say. I am exhausted. I just looked at Sass's page and it said my last post was 4 weeks ago. Have I really not had anything to talk about for 4 weeks. What happened in the intervening time? Oh yeah...life.

Let's see: Me and Monikerless Man (we're just gonna use M.M. from now on, it's easier) and Roomie and Roomie's BF all packed up and went camping, but not just camping, it was Burning Man style. (Regional Burning Man event not terribly far so we made the trip). If you don't know Burning Man, google it. I'm not even going to attempt to describe. There was a whole lotta naked going on. But not my naked, no sireee. I have no photos....none.

I moved from Roomie's house to my new apartment. I miss Roomie and Lolo the jungle kitty but like my new place. I even suckered all my friends into helping me paint in exchange for food and booze. I don't know what got into my friends but I have a lot of booze left. (Weird, I know?) So the colors look great, but no so great with plastic tubs and boxes everywhere. I am not so good with the unpacking...also I have a very long list of necessaries (I think I am going to have to go to Fart-Mart, shit!). I have lived on my own before and was living by myself prior to moving in with Roomie, how is it possible I 'need' to buy all this crap?

I think there were a couple other things that happened. Oh yeah, work is kicking my ass. As a matter of fact, I think it has won and I'm just waiting for the final bell to ring.
On a side-note, if I schedule a meeting with you, drive 5 hours for said meeting, please have the decency to be prepared. DO NOT under any circumstances make me sit in your office for 3 hours watching you do your fucking job before we can discuss what my appointment was about b/c you're finally prepared. I will be very cranky if you do this and the five hour drive back will give plenty of time to think of creative and nasty ways to exact revenge. Just so you know.

On a happier note, M.M. and I both decided we're crazy about each other...and said it, ALOUD ...and then stared in different directions in awkward silence like we were 12. All in all it was awesome and painfully awkward. We're two grown adults acting like shy pre-adolescents...it's kinda funny.

(Disclaimer: This is a totally girlie, gushy moment I am about to describe, you have my permission to skip it).
Most people don't know this about me, but I love to dance. I am bad at said dancing but I love to dance. M.M. worked as a dance instructor, i.e. he is a good dancer. After we got everything cleaned up and ready for the movers at my new apt, he put music on and danced with me through the empty apartment. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.

That is all I have to tell you about for now.