Thursday, March 26, 2009

and senior management fails

While sitting in another of these required corporate meetings, severe weather was threatening.(I was of course blogging from my crackberry) Senior management interrupted and explained that in the case of tornado our shelter was to be in the hallway outside of the meeting room. How nice of them to think of us .... Outside in the hallway on the highest level with walls of glass. Hmmmmmm...

Why do I suddenly feel like a telephone operator in a Douglas Adams story?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Why I don't tell my mother things

So, this weekend I am attending a wedding. (I know, earth-shattering, right?) And my mother and sister will be there as well, having traveled over 14 hours in a car to get there. (Still not grabbing your attention I am sure.) First off, let me declare, I love my mother. She is a pint sized dynamo who taught me to kick ass and take names. She flips the bird backwards, it's adorable. She is funny and caring and to say this....overinvolved in the lives of everyone she cares about. My friends in high school loved her but were all a little afraid of her. She was that MOM. My college friends all thought she was crazy. My law school friends only met her once at graduation (with the exception of a few).

That being said, the still-monikerless man will be attending the wedding with me. (I know, this isn't exciting to anyone. You may stop reading if you like). My mother is apparently over the moon at the prospect of my date, i.e. that I have one AND she gets to meet him. Not only has she informed all members of the extended family and friends to be in attendance of this occurence, she has also activated the family phone tree. I am getting calls from cousins and grandparents about my new relationship. (to which my normal response is similar to the strangled goose noise recently made by a co-worker)

*I'm sure anyone who reads this doesn't understand the fact that I am actually a very private person. I mean I spew all my thoughts here so surely I do so in real life, right?*

Okay, maybe I am not so private in real life either, when I start thinking about it. Really, I guess I don't tell my mother things. It opens the door to the Spanish Inquisition on any subject. She will remember the littlest detail and ask me about it 6 months later when I have completely forgotten whatever off-handed statement I made. (I think she secretly records our conversations and replays them 2 months later so she can brush up.)

Now, the reason I'm blogging about this in a completely uninteresting way is because of my mother's level of excitement. (I mean, she woke my grandma up from a nap to tell her, c'mon!). I am aware that I haven't introduced her to a man in a decade. I am aware that she suffered in my divorce like I did. I am aware she has worried in her heart-of-hearts that I am some bitter mean person who will forever be alone (not that I mind that scenario too much). Now, the scary part is....I'm quite certain she is going to interrogate said monikerless man mercilessly even though I have asked her not to. I specifically told her she is not allowed to pack the bright desk lamp she usually points in one's face as she asks questions.

So, I guess I am asking for help. Monikerless man and I haven't defined what we are. I am fine with that. However, I think my mother may have gotten a bit carried away at the novelty of the situation and has read more into his presence than was meant (ie someone to dance with and cuddle up next to in the hotel, not precursor to wedding bells). Any ideas of how to rein in the runaway (but well-meaning) mother?

Oh and while I'm thinking about it, since we haven't defined what we are, is it copasetic to introduce monikerless man as my date? (I did previously mention the whole haven't introduced someone new in a decade right? I'm a bit out of practice, obviously). Oh yeah, and do I warn him or let him walk into this completely unprepared? I am leaning towards completely unprepared...because it will be funny, for me at least :)

Friday, March 20, 2009

The inmates are running the asylum

I love my friends. I told you that I would occasionally post things that my friends say that I find funny. (If you don't, well, it's my blog and even if it's boring I'm going to keep doing it).

Today, the KU Jayhawks were playing in Round 1 of the NCAA tourney. I diligently worked (read snuck out for a long lunch with a friend to watch the first half). My friend and I left the restaurant and went back to our respective jobs. My friend is a civil engineer for the state (Since I have known him he has been in charge of several large projects on the largest interstate in the state). My friend calls me at my office to see if I can see the game online (and of course I can't, because corporate big brother stop sign popped up and told me the site is blocked). So instead, he turned his up very loudly, put the phone on speaker and let me listen to the game over the phone.

I asked him, "Don't you have work to do?"

His response, "There's a reason it takes 10 years to complete a freeway around here."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My lack of domesticity is a good thing

I have decided my lack of domesticity is a good thing (not that I spent much time lamenting it as a bad thing). For instance, $150 at the dry cleaners yesterday....locally owned, not a chain, really nice man. I am supporting small business! Yay me. I can feel good about myself. I am stimulating the economy damn it. I mean really, could I have Dryel'd those clothes a few more times and ironed them myself?....sure. (Well in theory, someone could have but seeing as how I never really mastered an iron, maybe not me per se but somebody.)
And then seeing as how it was a holiday and all.....I just had to patronize my local pub. After all they were having a celebration. Drinks and food on a patio with friends...what a sacrifice! But after all, I want to do my part as a citizen of this country. If that means I don't have to cook, clean the dishes or do laundry, well I'll just have to accept that as my cross to bear.

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's OK, he bought me a bottle of booze.

I can't make this stuff up. This is a true story.

I recently was assigned a lease renewal negotiation. I called the supervisor of the office to find out if any concerns existed or in general if there was anything I needed to know before I started haggling with the landlord.

I wasn't really expecting an answer. I wasn't really expecting anything. I definitely wasn't expecting what followed.

Tenant: No we really like the space and would like to continue letting it. (obviously we discuss other stuff like future TI dollars and rate increase etc. Just before hanging up the following happened).

Me: Okay, well that pretty much tells me what I need to know. Do you have any concerns or issues you'd like addressed while I am renegotiating the lease?

Tenant: Not really that I can think of off the top of my head... Well, it's a small thing really. I don't want to bother you.

ME: No bother at all. this is my job. What is going on and I'll see what we can do.

Tenant: Well, could you maybe see if we could get the heat turned on?

ME: Do you mean you don't have a thermostat to regulate your space's temperature (making mental list to check lease about utility costs and whether triple net lease or not, i.e. half listening to response)

Tenant: No, the heater broke during last winter and it was cold.

ME: I'm sorry I thought you said the heater broke? For how long? (still thinking a short period of time)

Tenant: A couple months

ME: I'm sorry but, You had no heat. At All. in your office in Northern New York for a Couple Months?

Tenant: Yeah

ME: Did you call anybody and let them know this was going on?
Tenant: Yeah
ME: Who?
Tenant: The landlord.

ME: Why didn't you call my office?!

Tenant: How are you gonna fix the heater? You're in *home office city*

ME: I know that I'm not there but I can contact the landlord and demand that the service be restored.

Tenant: Well that's what I did. I don't need a lawyer to do that. I demanded that they turn on the heat.

ME: Did you document the demand in writing? Did you follow up with a second demand? thinking to myself very irritated, did you manage to get the heat turned on?

Tenant: No, only a lawyer would do something like that.

[SIDE NOTE: to those of you that read this, that is not true, right? I mean when you're demanding something from a business that might eventually need to have a judge solve it, you put it in writing, right? If your answer is no, please begin to do this immediately. Send it certified. A lawyer told you so.]

ME: Okay, when something like this happens, you need to contact my office. The company paid rent when it should have been withheld. What you are describing is a constructive eviction.

Tenant: I'm being evicted? Why?

ME: No, when the heat wasn't on, that qualifies as a constructive eviction which means
Tenant: (interrupting) you mean I was evicted and you didn't do anything about it? That's why I didn't have heat? What do we pay you for? How'd you get them to let me back in?

ME: No, you weren't actually evicted...constructive eviction is....nevermind, forget about eviction. When the landlord doesn't turn on the heat, air conditioning, water or any other needful service that is required in the lease (I read said lease to him), I need to know immediately. That way, we can withhold rent and break the lease and collect damages or deal with the landlord so he prorates the rent or pays to supply other space until the problem can be fixed. That type of thing is exactly what I get paid for, but only if I am made aware of it. Actually just call me when anything goes wrong, not just those things I listed. I mean it.

Tenant: Does that mean my rent is free next year?

ME: No, because you didn't let me know about it when it happened and we kept occupying the space, we don't have a cause of action.

Tenant: Oh well, I guess that's okay. The landlord bought me a bottle of booze.

I am thinking that must be some liquor considering we pay thousands of dollards per month to lease this space. I hope it kept him warm in his cold office, but the pressing question is: Did he pass the bottle around to the other people that work there? I'm guessing the knowledge that the landlord bought him a bottle of booze was little consolation while they froze their asses off! Sheesh.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I am not God, nor a priest, nor a path to enlightenment.

Okay, so sometimes you need to tell a friend something and sometimes you really don't. Sometimes confessing doesn't help, it harms. Sometimes the twisted need you feel to confess is really just a desire to switch the weight of what you've done onto someone else's shoulders.
Confessing in these situations doesn't make you a better person. It makes you lazy and selfish.
Get a blog. Talk about it on myspace. Go confess at the Church of Sass.
I don't give a shit really but don't burden me with something that I didn't need to know and now makes our relationship ultra-weird.
If we have already had an awkward moment and conversation months ago and have both moved on from that, do not, I repeat DO NOT, call me at midnight to confess.

Okay so months ago, after a little too much to drink, we shared one of those, "Are we going to kiss?" moments. The answer then was no. *remember your girlfriend b/c I did* The answer now is no. Your fiance deserves better than this. Confess to her if you want to confess. I don't need to know that you think about me and that moment a lot and wonder what if? I spite-f*cked your friend. We talked about our weird moment after it happened, got it straighted out, I started dating someone, you got engaged. I don't feel guilty. Nothing happened. If you feel the need to confess this to me because you feel guilty, really I am the wrong outlet. That is what your parents, your priest or your God is for. Not me. END OF STORY.

You want to know (I'm not sure if this is the best or worst) part. You don't even know I blog so you won't be reading this. You won't get this fabulous piece of advice. As if it wasn't too late already. Sheesh.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The most awesome cover letter EVER

I ran across a story about the most awesome cover letter ever.

For those of us who have searched and searched for legal jobs, we feel this applicant's pain and frustration....and we secretly laugh because WE'D never do anything like this. (Right?...hmmm...they always say make your cover letter stand out...hmm)

Yeah, right

So my company has been laying people off. Thankfully I am not one of them (Although if I keep logging into blogger all the time maybe not for long). Today I received a corporate email that said "....[We] ask each of you to remain confident in our strategy and ability to meet the ever-evolving challenges of our industry; confident in our focus in making sure that we have the best talent...."

How are we supposed to remain confident when people are being escorted out of the building?
How are we supposed to remain confident when our bonuses were awful and we aren't receiving raises?
How are we...never mind, you get the picture. Am I the only person who reacts this way when I receive these e-mails? They are meant to be reassuring and warm and fuzzy, I think. It just doesn't strike me that way.

Maybe b/c in this same e-mail it mentions that the current lay-off notifications have brought us in line with our current budget, but the company continues to assess the business climate and our overall competitiveness.

In other words, take a breath now suckers b/c just because you missed the firing squad this time doesn't mean the ax-man isn't waiting in the wings.

HMMM, wonder why I don't feel reassured?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Stupid Calendars

So Friday I received a meeting notice from my boss for Monday.
I didn't sleep well last night. Did NOT want to get up this morning. Alarm goes off, roomie getting ready, think that I should hit snooze and sleep till she is done. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat (except this time not snooze but power button). Wake up, look at clock.
I am late for said meeting. Run around like mad woman. Cannot find matching shoes. Run around some more. Step over cat numerous times as he bites ankles. Run down stairs, get in car. Pull out crackberry, open Outlook calendar. No meeting. Where is the meeting? Why isn't it here? More panic. Have I already been fired?
Scroll forward on crackberry.
Meeting next Monday.

Apparently I didn't look at said meeting notice closely.

Look for next Monday's recount of the repeat performance.

Friday, March 6, 2009

One of two things must happen

I have decided, one of two things must happen within the next 2 hours. I either need to be on a golf course teeing off or I need to be on a patio with an enormous cocktail. Either way, I need to be outside enjoying the beautiful weather and not staring at an SAP screen and flipping off an Excel window.

If one of these two things fail to happen, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Funny Statements, Confessions and other randomness

Coworker bursts into my office: "I swear no one listens. I've been dating this girl for 6 months and we got into a huge fight last night. Huge. She was a total irate bitch. And then you know what she does today, do you? She sends me COOKIES. COOKIES!?! I don't eat that shit. You know I don't eat that kinda crap. Has she not be listening to me the entire time?"

ME to the 6 people I am in the middle of a conference call with: "Anybody got any advice for him? I keep telling him to dump her but now she's sent cookies. Maybe she's a keeper after all?"

Coworker: some sort of strangled goose noise. "Sorry" and leaves my office.

Yay speakerphones!

So I am fairly certain I have a defect somewhere. I had a crappy day and called (I need to come up with a moniker for this person) who'd also had a crappy day. He came over and in general was the perfect person. He got me to laugh, soaped, coddled and cuddled me. It was great. Loved every second. He even suffered through me watching KU lose to Texas Tech (which is a touchy subject w/ me). In all, he was the best sport ever. So bedtime, and this is where the defect comes in. Ladies, are you ever flabbergasted at the speed in which the male species can fall asleep? It never ceases to amaze me! So rather than be content that I am still being cuddled and that I'm warm and fuzzy, guess what I do? Do I smile at his ability to drop off in three seconds? Am I infinitely understanding because he has just spent the evening being so sweet to me? Am I a beautiful goddess who sighs and drapes her silk clad body over his? (Pphht, I can't even say that w/ a straight face).

No, of course I don't do any of those things. Instead, right as he is starting to sleep deeply (i.e. snore), I poke him in the ribs to wake him up. And when he wakes up I pretend I'm asleep. And I don't do this once, not twice, but three times. It provided great entertainment for me but I think some crappy sleep for him.

Lisa recently asked me for more words to use for poop. Normally I can't say that anything would come to mind but I heard one on the radio the other day that I thought was funny. Especially since I missed the first part of the story. So, apparently Tootsie Roll is an euphemism for poop. I didn't know. But there ya have it Lisa. Tootsie roll. Now I'm not sure I would use this one w/ little ones because I can see this being a cause for some rather disturbing misunderstandings. However, I will keep a lookout for other terms for you while I traipse along.