Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Realization, Capitalization, and other Nominalizations

For those of you who were worried, I have not be wandering around in the Labyrinth of my mind since my last post. (Don't go that way, never go that way.....if she'd gone that way she would have gone straight to the castle) Sorry, you either get the reference or you don't. My younger sis came to visit and then I was sick and now I am still sick and back at work. Yay me!
So yesterday, I am in a meeting with some bigwigs and an outside vendor has come to present to us. There is something about corporate-speak that makes me want to claw out the tongue of the person speaking. (I stand by this as normal behavior, otherwise Office Space and Dilbert wouldn't be so popular).
So after he used the words realization, capitalization, leverage and a couple other -tion words in one sentence I was about to go insane. The nominalization of words doesn't make you sound smarter!!!! As a matter of fact, in strict proper English, nominalizations probably mean that you are now using a passive tense verb since you have now made a noun out of what would have been your active verb. Puh-lease stop!!!
And I heard a new one yesterday. One that I had not heard before but I heard about 20 times in a 45 minute presentation which is why it stuck with me. C-Suite.

Does anybody know what the hell C-Suite means? I'll tell you what it means (as best as I gathered from the context in which it was used). Corporate Suite, upper management, the bigwigs etc. But could he call them that? NO, had to use a term that sounds really cool, like C-Suite....jeez. Give me a break.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My head is a scary place to be....

Hmmm...I was thinking about dumping a load of insecurity here, but then I thought it might ruin the cocky, self-assured attitude I've built here, and then I thought well screw it, it's my blog.

I am not good at relationships. Well, that's not completely true. I am GREAT at being friends. Unfortunately, I am not so good at anything else. Living in my head with my own voices and those from the past who will remain nameless is not always a good place to be.
For those of you who know me, you know the stories; for others: I was describing my past to a recent friend and she's like, "That's some heavy baggage to carry." I said, "I don't really carry it around anymore as much as it's in storage and every once in a while I drop by for a visit." Buh-lieve me when I say, this is progress.
I had a wonderful time tonight w/ my girlfriends but was supposed to be greeted by the other person in my new relationship when we were done w/ dinner. Call--there is no answer, text and no response. Now in all likelihood, this person is probably asleep on the couch or whatever having worked like a dog already this week. However, it's my B-day and feel like if nothing else there should have been a msg saying something to the effect of I'm tired and going to bed. I got a msg on my way to dinner saying have a good time but no response after. While I'm sure it is something that isn't a big deal, being in my head is a scary place. As a matter of fact, it is this type of thing that 6 months ago, regardless of the reason/apology/etc I would have quit taking calls, deleted the phone number and in general cut this person from my life. A year ago or more, there wouldn't have been a question of this happening b/c I wouldn't have given my number to someone. A bit reactionary, I know.
Now, I'm not sure what the appropriate response should be. I don't want to overreact but also am not gonna take BS sitting down. Sheesh, I am pathetic. And to think, I am a grown woman. I sound like a blithering idiotic teen.

Shit! This is why I don't date!!!! I don't even like people this much.

Anyway, I ended up having a happy evening with my friends even if it didn't end w/ a happy ending. :)
Gotta love the friends!


So, I was overreacting. Go figure! As I suspected, he had fallen asleep and considering that he was been sick since that night I really can't be too upset. I can, however, blame him for getting me sick :P

Corporate Indoctrinization and General Brainwashing

I just spent the better part of two hours listening to a recorded meeting about safety procedures and outlining OSHA's VPP program.
And I'm supposed to be excited about this because? And apparently there are 3 more to come. HR and other teams obviously spent some serious time and effort planning this. They even had a mock stairway to teach all of us how to walk up and down stairs correctly. I feel so much safer already.

Love working for a huge company sometimes :)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Strange Observations

So, I'm just wondering if anyone else has noticed this and thought there might be something wrong with this. I'm wandering around CVS the other night waiting for a prescription to be filled and I come across the aisle where the condoms are kept. They are now kept behind locked glass!?! When did this start? (And what does that say about my sex life that I didn't know?)

I am trying to put my finger on why this disturbs me so much. It really irks me. Maybe it's because if someone is willing to steal condoms to practice safe sex we shouldn't make it harder should we? Not that I condone petty theft, mind you...but...

Friday, February 13, 2009

One Pissed Off Judge

For those of you who like to read this for my humor, this really isn't funny.
Well I don't know if that's true; I find it funny, but in a lawyerly, geeky way. It's kinda like laughing at the kid who is being called up to the front of the class for doing something naughty. Not that I would ever do such an insensitive, mean-spirited thing :) I would never take pleasure in another person's humiliation or pain...hmmm, right.

A judge in the W. D. La is pissed off at a couple local attorneys. In a recent memorandum opinion, the judge has ordered the two named partners to show cause why he should not impose R. 11 sanctions. (In my humble opinion, he SHOULD). For non-attorneys, Rule 11 sanctions = BAD. And making every lawyer in the firm appear and show cause is extraordinary! (and very laugh-behind-your-hand funny)

For those of you that read this and had the pleasure, OBVIOUSLY these guys didn't have Concannon for Civ. Pro.

Oh and on a tangently-related topic, (is that a word) guess what?!? You know how we said we would never need to know the Rule against Perpetuities? We were WRONG!!! Well maybe you guys don't need to know it, but I apparently do. I was reading a contract where that came up this week. WTF?!? Who still writes contracts like that? I had to go look up the damn rule and then try to figure out the life-in-being? I felt like I was back in law school nerdsville for a bit.

Okay, sorry to everyone that this didn't mean anything to. Every once in a while I am a complete geek.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Funny Statements and Things Not to Do At Work

Because I have witty and clever friends, I have decided to start recording things my friends say that I like.

So, the first quote comes from a co-worker describing the last fight with his on-again, off-again girlfriend. He was asking me for advice as to how to make up with her. I am afraid I wasn't much help as I was laughing too hard. If there is any sage wisdom out there, I will pass it along to him :) At dinner:

"Someone at this table is being a bitch....and it isn't me."

So, as is somewhat evident from my blog (or I think it's evident), I don't really think in a linear fashion. For this reason, I love the Shuffle setting on my IPod. It is almost as scattered and spastic as I am. However, I learned an important lesson today, either create a work play list or leave the shuffle function off.

Apparently it appears somewhat unprofessional when Bossman walks by my office with two other bigwigs and hears Bloodhound Gang sing about about sex and the Discovery Channel. If only they had come by one song earlier or two songs later. Immediately previous, Dr. John and two songs later, Righteous Brothers. Maybe I should just be thankful they didn't hear the Primus song that came on next?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Sweaty, Smelly Day

Chronicle of my Day:

630..ready for work, have time to make and DRINK coffee before leaving

7:30...drop car off at car fixing place and get shuttle to work

7:48...Facebook status = Random Real Estate is feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Feeling very positive and optimistic

8:15...Take phone call regarding how to figure rent for a fixture that is recessed and flush-mounted to the wall (don't ask, but general geeky hilarity ensues)

9:30...discuss problem with Bossman

10:07...asked to review property tax valuations on assets
10:08...realized I don't know crap about valuing this type of asset
10:09...called Admin and asked who normally reviews these values
10:10...started to sweat

10:35...found out the income data needed for me to review the values is in SAP
10:36...feeling much better about myself b/c now I know where to get the information (See, I can do this).

10:42...I can't figure out how to use SAP
10:43...continue sweating
10:45...Maybe if I do this, or this, or this it will work?

11:00...Call Admin ask for help with SAP. Am promised a name and number in 30 min.
11:02...distracted by shiny object

11:35...miss Admin's call (she's five minutes late with the information)

11:45...Go to lunch

12:30... return from lunch
12:31...check messages, car center place called...repairs will be 500
12:32...Realize they said $500 DOLLARS WTF?!?
12:33...Continue to string together an amazing assortment of curse words, 500???

12:45...finish cursing the heavens, earth, Pontiac, the @ss who ran me off the road, metal that bends, tires, and life in general

12:47...realize that I am quite sweaty but figure I'll cool down and dry off now that I am no longer trying to burst a blood vessel by raising my blood pressure.

1:00...Call computer guru guy

1:20...Confident I can now beat SAP

1:30...made it through the first SAP world but failed on my second. Yes, I want to play again. I can do this.

1:45...Failure again. A computer program will not beat me. I will persevere

2:15...Now this is a matter of pride. I can do this, and without calling Guru guy back.
2:17...Car Center calls back...$75 extra for the fancy sensor...grrrr!!

2:20...Attack SAP again. I will win damn it!

2:30...Not ready to admit defeat.

2:45...Retreat may be imminent

3:00...I am beat and broken by SAP.

3:15...realize that I smell and forgot to put deodorant on today.

Currently, Can I go home?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Torturing the Admin

So, I started feeling guilty today about the project I handed off to the admin with about 30 seconds of explanation, an e-mail typed under the table with my Crackberry (spelling and punctuation optional), and roughly 7 inches worth of documents as I ran out the door late to my second meeting of the morning, which for some reason, she had scheduled 2 min after the first one on separate sides of a several hundred acre complex?!?

Now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't be feeling guilt. After all, if I were a completely self-sufficient, extremely efficient, be able to be in 2 places at once, and in general be able to pull my own head out of my ass type person, she'd be without a job. Maybe she should feel good about the 7 inches of documents to sort, scan and upload. Yeah, that's it. Right?

In short, I love my admin and if she ever leaves me I don't know what I'll do, but I do know what I won't be doing: showing up to anywhere on time or remotely prepared. In general, I'd fall apart.

Do you think a bottle of booze for Valentine's Day makes up for the crappy job, i.e. taking care of me?

I am a Bette.....No really!

I liked it. What can I say? Besides I thought it was accurate, especially the How to Get Along with Me section. Now you know a little more about me and I didn't even have to fill out one of those damn annoying Top 25 surveys.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!


You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me
  • * Stand up for yourself... and me.
  • * Be confident, strong, and direct.
  • * Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
  • * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
  • * Give me space to be alone.
  • * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
  • * I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
  • * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette
  • * being independent and self-reliant
  • * being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
  • * being courageous, straightforward, and honest
  • * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
  • * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
  • * upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette
  • * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
  • * being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
  • * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
  • * never forgetting injuries or injustices
  • * putting too much pressure on myself
  • * getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often
  • * are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
  • * are sometimes loners
  • * seize control so they won't be controlled
  • * figure out others' weaknesses
  • * attack verbally or physically when provoked
  • * take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents
  • * are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
  • * are sometimes overprotective
  • * can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Reasons I won't shop at Wal-Mart

In honor of Sass's flurry of thoughts, I thought I would expand on the Wal-Mart experience and why I won't shop there. I wrote the following post sometime in 2006 but thought I'd repost it here. Now, I realize that other people have very lofty reasons why they boycott Wal-Mart:
Sub-standard wages
Refusal to provide health insurance
Community impact
Poor working conditions --getting trampled to death for crap money seems like a problem.

Those are all good reasons. I can respect all of them. Mine are a bit more ...hmmm...the word, what is the word? (Maybe you can supply the adjective when you've read the following)

So, the last two times I have went to Wal-Mart weird things have happened to me.....I've made an executive decision not to return....

First, I went one evening to procure some bbq provisions. I want to make one thing clear (just in case anyone has this doubt in the back of their minds) I do not get dressed up and try to pick up men at Wal-Mart. So, while wandering around looking for an elusive can of peach pie filling for a recipe of fruit salad, I see a large man in slippers, dirty sweat pants and crazy hair watching me. I leave that aisle and proceed with my shopping. I again notice him, this time next to a vegetable tray. I again walk away and travel to the beverage aisle to pick up some tonic water and there he is again. Now, keep in mind that Wal-Mart is a black-hole that sucks up time so at least an hour has passed between my first crazy sighting and this one...and this time I realize he doesn't have a cart or any purchases. He walks up and says, "Hey pretty lady"....(spooky I know, but still). I leave this time and travel to the far side of the store for sun screen, etc and I meet him again in aisle containing feminine products. Anyway to make a long story short, I had to have a Wal-Mart employee walk me to my car because he was still following me.

Last week, I went to go get some cold medicine because I caught a summer cold (aren't they the worst pain in the butt?) I bend over to get the cold medicine off the bottom shelf and I feel someone touch me.
***Guys, I have a random question. Why is it that because I have a tattoo that can sometimes be seen peeking out over the top of my pants people think it is okay to touch me? Is that an unwritten invitation that I was unaware of? If so, I am going to add writing above it that says, "if you can read this, you're TOO close. And NO you cannot touch me!"***
Where was I? Oh yeah, I feel someone touch me (and it is not the same strange dude from the first incident)....tracing my tattoo. I stand up, turn around, and freeze....The guy is standing there smiling and asks "I was trying to see what your tattoo was. Can I see the rest of it?"
Now maybe it was because I was sick and not my usual sunny-dispositioned self, but I have to admit it. I got angry. I asked him why the hell he was touching me at my ass crack and told him that if he knew what was good for him he would go away very quickly. And you know what he did?!?....he asked me for my phone #...

Now is this strange behavior to anyone else? I mean does everyone but me go around Wal-Mart touching complete strangers in very personal places and expect that to be a welcome contact? Maybe I'm losing it, I don't know.

Anyway, that is why I hope to never return to Wal-Mart....now the challenge will be finding somewhere else that will change my oil while I buy porkchops and shampoo...any ideas?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I'm the reason you only get plastic utensils on planes

So, I think that occasionally fantasizing about violence is healthy. I mean, c'mon everyone does it . . . don't they? They do, right? Or maybe I just tell myself that so I don't feel bad. I will leave that question for another time I guess.

Today while waiting for my 5 hour flight to take off and wing me home I overheard this group of girls/women. At what age do you refer to someone as a woman instead of a girl? Anyway, they were waiting to board (which hadn't even been announced yet) and crowding the damn area where you have show your boarding pass. So the boarding groups get called and I get to go ahead of people (that's right, I have Elite status, bitches) and one of them steps right in front of where I am trying to walk and drops her bag. Now, I know I could have just climbed over her bag and brushed past her (that's what a mature person would have done, I'm sure). Instead, I turned to her and said something to the effect of " you know, your bag is in the way. People need to get by you." To which she doesn't respond, just kicks, KICKS her bag a little out of the way. And then she turns to her friends and calls me a bitch. Hmmmm, nice right?

I let it go and proceed to board. I get to my seat and get comfy (or as comfy as you can get on a plane) and other passengers begin to board. Guess who is seated directly behind me? Yep, bag-kicking girl. I didn't realize that kicking the bag was foreshadowing what would come next. Now, for some lucky reason, on an otherwise fairly full flight, my row is empty :) Yeah me!!! Bag-kicking girl and her friends are complaining about how crowded they are and I'm stretched out across three seats with a blanket. Bag-kicking girl also has one of those huge purses that I have previously discussed. I'm not sure what she was carrying in it but she was having a hard time getting it under the seat, my seat. So she starts kicking it to get it to go. And kicking it, and kicking it. What the hell does she have in there? I finally turn around and ask her to please stop kicking my seat and suggest that if it won't fit under the seat she should put it in one of the overhead bins. She doesn't respond just gives her purse one final kick and gets it lodged under my seat. I turn around, snuggle under the blanket and she asks her friends what my problem is and why do I have to be so bitchy.

Note to kicking girl: Learn a new word. Bitch is going to wear out soon.

We take off and are served breakfast. I am looking at the plastic spoon and the line from Robin Hood about removing his heart with a spoon pops into my head. It's from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Ya know the line, don't lie. It is followed up with something about "A spoon cousin, why a spoon?" "Because it would hurt more you twit" or something close. And I flash on me removing kicking girl's heart with my plastic spoon. I reject the idea because I'm pretty sure that the plastic would break before I could get through the breastbone. But a metal spoon would probably get the job done, don't ya think?

I think this is a perfectly natural thought process, not unhealthy at all. After all, I didn't actually attack her with my plastic spoon. THAT would have been bitchy.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Nicotine Fit

I miss smoking. I only gave it up 7 days ago and I miss it. There is a gaping hole in my life. I used to have set routines. I knew that when I woke up, I was going drink coffee and suck down a Marlboro. I knew that when I transferred from one highway to the next in the morning, I was going to light a cigarette. I knew what stoplight to light my last one to finish before I pulled into the parking lot at work. ---Believe me, I could go on.

Now, I know that quitting is a great thing. Smoking is a terrible, dirty, unhealthy habit. It will kill me one way or another eventually. People look down on people who smoke. "The Surgeon General says . . . blah, blah, blah."

Guess what, I don't care!!!!! I love smoking. I like the feeling as I inhale with the smoke going down the back of my throat. I like exhaling a cloud of smoke. I like having something to do with my hands, namely hold the cigarette. I know that it will kill me. My 'code' for a cigarette was, "Let's go shorten our life by 7 minutes." I used to joke (after my umpteenth failure to quit) that I quit being a quitter. My friends actually applauded.

I met some of my best friends in designated smoking areas. Smoking is exceedingly social. Why else would you stand outside in subfreezing weather talking to someone you don't know if there wasn't a cigarette involved? I know that I damn sure wouldn't.

Okay, obviously I could go on with why I love to smoke but this isn't helping at the moment. I thought blogging through the craving would make it go away but maybe I should have chose a topic that didn't involve cigarettes.

When will it end?

In the name of all that is holy, when will this torment end? Okay, so I've been saying for a long time now that I was going to quit smoking. First it was going to be over summer break 1L year, then Christmas 2L year, then summer, then Christmas then after graduation, (Yeah right, like I was going to quit while studying for the bar. What a joke!) then after the bar, then after I got a job, then after I got the current job and moved . . . .and the list goes on. I think you see the pattern.

Well may I have your attention please? I have went 7 (seven) whole days without a cigarette. I am sure good things are happening in my body. I am sure eventually the cravings will leave. I am sure I will stop obsessing over how bad I want a cigarette. I am sure that when I smell a coat that I have smoked in it won't send me into a nicotine fit. I am absolutely sure this will all eventually happen.

In the meantime, stay away from me for your own good. I am a bitch on wheels.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A swift kick in the . . .

So, I had two separate but equally revealing moments that really made me more self-aware. I feel like a train blindsided me TWICE!

First, I realized I have become one of those self-engrossed, overly plugged in, overly self-important people that I used to make fun of. There is no possible way that you are so important or popular that you need two phones, or that you cannot turn your damn phone off at dinner. Yes, I admit I used to make fun of those pompous assholes. This past week, I realized I WAS one of those assholes. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

This self-realization came about at an Applebee's bar (What a place to have an epiphany, right?) I was traveling for work and didn't have business entertainment that night so I was on my own for dinner. There was a basketball game on that I wanted to see and I desperately needed a drink, preferably a large bourbon, which by the way, they don't have. I think I have forgot to mention in here somewhere that I am in the process of quitting smoking and a little testy. As I have mentioned before, I have both a Blackberry and cellphone. They are two different numbers. I am sitting at the bar, talking to my sis on the phone while sending e-mails on the Crackberry. My Crackberry rings, I put my sister, on the other phone, on hold and take the call on the Crackberry. Both numbers have calls coming in on call waiting. The bartender keeps looking at me like I'm nuts and rude (which is probably true seeing as how I haven't ordered yet). And BOOM it hits me, I am a pompous asshole. When did this happen and how do I make it stop? Okay, maybe for those people that know me, this isn't new information? I don't know but I sure was shocked as hell!

SECOND, I am apparently in a relationship. WTF?????? When did this happen? How did this happen? Who said this was allowed? Why wasn't I consulted? This was NOT in my Crackberry Calendar, I know it wasn't. No reminder popped up telling me I had a relationship in 15 min and did I want to snooze or dismiss or close? For those of you that know me, you know that I am officially in freak-out mode. Also, I find it a bit perturbing that most of my friends in my current state of residence are so surprised to find that someone is hanging around. Am I really so picky that it is beyond belief that this would happen? Ok don't answer that. Please, don't, I'm begging you. So that was the other moment of self-awareness.

Now the important question, since I'm now aware, does that mean I have to get this person a Valentine's Day gift? (Please say NO!!!!!!)