Thursday, February 5, 2009

I'm the reason you only get plastic utensils on planes

So, I think that occasionally fantasizing about violence is healthy. I mean, c'mon everyone does it . . . don't they? They do, right? Or maybe I just tell myself that so I don't feel bad. I will leave that question for another time I guess.

Today while waiting for my 5 hour flight to take off and wing me home I overheard this group of girls/women. At what age do you refer to someone as a woman instead of a girl? Anyway, they were waiting to board (which hadn't even been announced yet) and crowding the damn area where you have show your boarding pass. So the boarding groups get called and I get to go ahead of people (that's right, I have Elite status, bitches) and one of them steps right in front of where I am trying to walk and drops her bag. Now, I know I could have just climbed over her bag and brushed past her (that's what a mature person would have done, I'm sure). Instead, I turned to her and said something to the effect of " you know, your bag is in the way. People need to get by you." To which she doesn't respond, just kicks, KICKS her bag a little out of the way. And then she turns to her friends and calls me a bitch. Hmmmm, nice right?

I let it go and proceed to board. I get to my seat and get comfy (or as comfy as you can get on a plane) and other passengers begin to board. Guess who is seated directly behind me? Yep, bag-kicking girl. I didn't realize that kicking the bag was foreshadowing what would come next. Now, for some lucky reason, on an otherwise fairly full flight, my row is empty :) Yeah me!!! Bag-kicking girl and her friends are complaining about how crowded they are and I'm stretched out across three seats with a blanket. Bag-kicking girl also has one of those huge purses that I have previously discussed. I'm not sure what she was carrying in it but she was having a hard time getting it under the seat, my seat. So she starts kicking it to get it to go. And kicking it, and kicking it. What the hell does she have in there? I finally turn around and ask her to please stop kicking my seat and suggest that if it won't fit under the seat she should put it in one of the overhead bins. She doesn't respond just gives her purse one final kick and gets it lodged under my seat. I turn around, snuggle under the blanket and she asks her friends what my problem is and why do I have to be so bitchy.

Note to kicking girl: Learn a new word. Bitch is going to wear out soon.

We take off and are served breakfast. I am looking at the plastic spoon and the line from Robin Hood about removing his heart with a spoon pops into my head. It's from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Ya know the line, don't lie. It is followed up with something about "A spoon cousin, why a spoon?" "Because it would hurt more you twit" or something close. And I flash on me removing kicking girl's heart with my plastic spoon. I reject the idea because I'm pretty sure that the plastic would break before I could get through the breastbone. But a metal spoon would probably get the job done, don't ya think?

I think this is a perfectly natural thought process, not unhealthy at all. After all, I didn't actually attack her with my plastic spoon. THAT would have been bitchy.


  1. Thank you so much for your awesome comment on my blog!!!

    And as far as this post goes...I'm frightened of you, yet I'm oddly intrigued at the same time, because I think you may be my long lost twin...

    I will soooooo be back.

  2. I can't think of even one time that Andrea used that word to describe you. I would just consider it an isolated event with rude travelers.

    Also, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing. It's when it becomes an actual PLAN that you have to worry!

  3. Yup, can totally relate. Although I'd have to be glad that they don't allow lighters on planes any more so that I couldn't melt the spoon into a shiv for a quick stab to the spleen. :)